my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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