sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
