I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize