looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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