woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
