I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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