I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
