I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
