ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
its liver damage thursday
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
