I faked an abortion last night.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
No...this little piggys going to the bar
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Dicks are not precious.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
