Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
