how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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