I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize