one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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