Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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