if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
