I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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