i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
