I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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