Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize