I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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