I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I believe in your delicious
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
