Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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