oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
tell your sister to shave her snatch
you traded sex for a burrito?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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