I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
