I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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