she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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