I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
