You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
