Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
