My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
