Someone shit on the floor
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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