when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
