Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
