ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
We are two peas in an std pod
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
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