Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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