the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
