Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
you will always have a special place in my vag
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You pole danced in your parka.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
i think my cat just said my name.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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