If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
