I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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