My sheets look like a crime scene.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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