College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
