the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
