I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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