ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
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