i think my tv is drunk
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize