this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
