Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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