Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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