She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
