so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
