i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
