When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
