my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
