does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
