conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
