I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
