Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
