The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
