My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
