This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
