my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
